He reached for my hand but I recoiled. As I turned toward the window I could feel it swelling like an ocean, being held back by pure will alone. We were only a few minutes from my apartment but I knew I would not be able to hold it in much longer and just like that my ocean began to rush in and I was crying uncontrollably. He reached for my hand once more to console me and this time I acquiesced.
We had met on a popular online dating site the previous week and immediately hit it off. He had this presence of masculinity that immediately drew me in and also an accent that would melt even the iciest of hearts. We talked every day that week for hours, sometimes even multiple times a day, sharing selfies and swapping aspirations and childhood stories like kids trading baseball cards. During our conversations, he told me how connected he felt to me and assured me that he was looking for something serious. We both expressed how excited we were to meet finally in person. Then just like that, it all changed.
"I’m sorry, I just don’t feel anything. It’s like I kept trying to find the tiniest connection to you all evening but I just didn’t. I don’t feel anything.”
I keep replaying all of the interactions that took place during that week in my mind (and heart) but nothing particularly stood out that would give me pause or even the slightest indicator I would be rejected. Rejection is hard, perhaps the hardest part of dating. Perhaps because it picks at our old “Love Wounds” and reminds us of our deepest and darkest feelings of abandonment or unworthiness. Sometimes, though, when we’re least expecting it, old wounds are disturbed to give up a much-needed release. My tears offered me a release, liberation from decades of pain and anger that I have been holding in and also holding onto.
This experience with him was just the quickest avenue my heart and soul chose to use to fully express and release my past emotions. This is the true gift of rejection or disappointment, the opportunity to heal on a deeper level. It is the opportunity to once and for all look abandonment and unworthiness square in the face and say NO, I choose differently.
With great distance comes great insight. It was over a year ago that I went on this date, before I found the work that has been a major game changer in the way I approach and show up in love and relationships. What I didn’t know was that this date would mark the beginning of my love journey, what I choose to call the journey back to myself. As someone who’s love & relationship style is “The Pursuer,” being balanced in love isn’t an easy feat. As a Pursuer I am generally quick to fall in love and usually feel that everyone I meet is a potential Soulmate. It’s no wonder why I felt the pain of his rejection down to my bone, in my “Pursuer” mind it felt as if I was losing a potential Soulmate. which stemmed from unhealed, unaware thinking. I now approach love with a sense of equanimity.
I can’t begin to fully articulate how knowing my “Love Style" has changed my love life. If you would like to know your “Love Style” you can do so by booking a complimentary Soul Session here.